Argument with Dad

As said in the title I had an argument with my father.

Don't get me wrong, we don't have a bad relationship to begin. I do love him dearly. It's just that as I grow up his love become more and more suffocating. I understand that most father become overprotective of their children, especially their daughters. We understand. We're females and have good intuition after all.

However sometimes things get to a point where two people equally stubborn refuse to listen to each other. Communication breaks down and there can only be hurt for one if not both parties.

Here's the problem:

1. I want to be a full time writer but I'm not earning enough or going out of the house.
2. He thinks I'm not working and only fooling around.
3. I have not made any attempt to contact my mother who is living separately from us ever since their divorce for two months. I had not greeted her for Chinese New Year.
4. My friend came over unexpectedly and I failed to inform him about change in plans for dinner.

What caused the conflict was how he didn't place enough faith in me and give me enough space. I asked for two years to do some soul searching and experience life as a full time writer. I knew writers were creatures who lived in poverty. There was no way a budding writer could make millions like J.K. off the bat. I was prepared for it.

On the other hand, dad worries if I'm having enough money to even eat properly. He fails to realise it wasn't the money issues that I'm not eating properly. Being a writer means eating is a second necessity with the first being penning down whatever comes to mind during an inspiration attack. On top of all this, I don't exactly appreciate how he deems my carefully crafted masterpieces as "shit" whenever he has the chance to see or hear about it. I know there are great authors out there. However I'm not Anthony Robbins, I'm Destiny Aitsuji. Every author is unique but he doesn't understand. In his eyes, I'm not good that's why I'm not making enough. I'm not famous because I don't put in enough effort.

How can I reason with someone like this? Do you honestly think putting in your soul to buying lottery will guarantee you the Grand prize? Life doesn't work that way dad. How can I tell you this?

The fact that I'm not "working" is because while you're in the office at work, I'm sitting at my desk churning out pages after pages of word vomit and then pulling out my hair before falling into depression over what I sometimes can and cannot write. Like you, I need to de-stress after a long day and my choice of obsession is online gaming or reading manga. You like surfing the net and watching movies. We just have different ways of coping, I'm not some bum who doesn't work and spends the whole day gaming my life away even at the age of thirty.

I've stated I want to take 2 years of my life to do some soul searching and also experience what it is like to be a full time writer. Someone once told me she imagined life as a full time writer to be those poor person in a cold house without fireplace and coughing blood in winter over a manuscript by candlelight. That's not how writers are but I think it is close enough. We forget our sense of self but at the same time we know exactly what we are and who we are. If we live by then pen, we're more than happy to die by it.

I won't deny how I haven't contacted my mother. The reason is split to 80% ad 20%. For 80% I'm actually really pissed with how she ditched my brother and I on our last meeting after coming 45 minutes late. My brother had the brilliant suggestion to ignore her until she contacts us first. I decided to heed his advice for once. Today she contacted me explaining how she had been too busy of late as she is looking for a new place to rent. The lease was up and she was moving again. Aren't you glad I didn't bug her and stress her out about meeting up? For 20% I had assumed she might want to spend Chinese New Year going back to Melaka, her hometown, for a short holiday. Child care principals have it tough too and I know if she wants to unwind.

As for that friend of mine, I think he's pretty traumatised with how my father raged that day. Poor guy. Anyway the verdict is that nobody is allowed in the house. No visits from cousin or friends etc. It's only fair because it was my fault for assuming my brother would have enough sense and balls to inform my father about the change in plans. That slimy bastard evaded all those questions from my dad and shoved the responsibilities to me.

How is the difference in gender rendering such a diffferent treatment? My brother can get away scot free not doing housework or sleeping late but I can't even apologise for a very rare slip up not informing him about dinner plan changes.

Not saying daddy doesn't have his own issues. I can understand some of the things he's going through. However a man must know when to lower his pride and listen to others. He's not done any reflecting on his faults even after my mother (whom I still have issues with) left him. As much as I do love him, he is a very hard person to love. It can be tiring sometimes when someone doesn't listen to reason.

I don't know when he will come to realise this and start working on it but I'm not going to give up on my dreams. Not now, not ever. I'm a big girl now dad. You can't smother me with love and expect me to grow... I need to fall and hurt from life sometimes, only that I'm not hurting from life more than you are hurting me.

I'm grown up now. Still green and wet behind the ears but I can learn to stand on my own. All I ask for you to do is watch me and let me have a place called home to return to.